Single & Celiac

Twenty-something. Gluten-free everything.

Crying over croutons


I did this. Don't feel bad if you do it, too. Croutons are the new cramps.

The story goes like this:

Remember that new job I was talking about? Well one day at this new job we had a lunch meeting with a new client.

And, after my standard interrogation of the lunch menu, my kind boss made sure to order me a salad, no croutons, instead of subjecting me to the dozen sandwiches queued up for delivery at 12:00 pm.

"Fantastic!" I thought. Crisis averted. I can return to the average level of mild panic that should exist when meeting clients for the first time.

Two hours into this meeting the sammies and one salad arrive.

And I'm sure you can guess what happens next.

There wasn't just one crouton that I could "cheat" with by flicking it off, along with removing the piece of lettuce it was touching.

There were at least 17. 17! Which conveniently mirrored my stress level on a ten-point scale.

So, I felt like a big weirdo. Everyone was chomping down on their gluten while I was being terrorized by just the thought of mine.  I went into "I'm busy" mode and shoved my face in my computer while typing diligently, hoping that no one would inquire as to why my eating habits were nonexistent.

And then. The smell.

Sandwiches in an enclosed room - I can honestly say this was the first time I reacted to gluten based on the smell. Be aware, new celiacs. That's real. We're not making it up.

And eventually, I cried. I cried a lot in my car, a lot to my mom, and a lot at the Universe for some innocent miscommunication about my lunch order. I was hungry and sad, and the reason I was hungry and sad was because of croutons.


So the lesson here? Well, there's many:

  • Keep about three snacks on you at all times (as well as a phone charger, because you never know. This is a universal rule by now, right?).
  • Find a sneaky way to get the room attendees to keep the door open if you're having a meeting in a small space with pungent baked goods.
    • "Hot flashes! At my age?! I know!"
    • "Health experts say that creating some air flow does wonders for the nasal cavity"
    • "But what if there's a fire?!"
  • Don't be too proud for help. After that meeting I was starving, but refused the help my boss offered to drive me thru somewhere because of my gluten-free frustration with the entire fast-food industry. Have him take you to Chipotle. Save the puffy eyes for something that's worth it. Like a break up. Or burning your fingers on your straightener. Or the devastation you feel for homeless people when you're PMS-ing and it's winter.

Screw you, croutons.

On making kids cry

I found out I didn't want to date a dude because of how he treated my cupcakes.