I'm talking to you, Taco Bell Nachos Supreme. Hey, you know what's fun? NOT being the love of someone's life.
You know what else is (not) fun? Not being able to binge on your favorite post-break up foods after some yahoo takes your heart and throws it off a proverbial cliff.
Yes, I got dumped. And while I'll spare you the mind-boggling, are-you-effing-kidding-me details, what I will not omit is what I've done to cope. Gluten free coping, that is.
My Do This, Not That! Gluten-Free Post-Break Up Strategies
DON'T: Go to Taco Bell, McDonald's, or any other satiating fast-food restaurant.
You know why. We all know why.
DO: Get nachos TO-GO from your favorite Mexican restaurant.
I'm just going to assume that everyone's comfort food is the same as mine: nachos. And if it's not, you must not have taste buds.
After excessive crying you outta be damn sure that my body does not want some healthy quinoa bullshit. No way. These big-girls-do-cry tears need queso on queso with more queso. Gimme fake cheese and fried corn or give me death!
So, call up your fave Mexican place, get that dip to-go and delightfully chow down in peace with your safe GF chips from home (and if you have a Mexican place that has safe chips, call me, STAT and I will move).
Alternate feasting can be accomplished with copious amounts of frozen tator tots, frozen burritos and GF pizza. And pints of ice cream, but duh.
DON'T: Take shots of whatever the bartender gives you because your bestie stumbled up to the bar, told your life story and talked her way into free pity/go-away shots
Flavored alcohol is in shots. Malt flavoring is in flavored alcohol. Gluten is in malt flavoring… And then you're in a taxi.
DO: Hang out with Jose
Mr. Cuervo can never do you wrong. Nor can any 100% agave tequilas.
Or, if you stopped drinking tequila after "that one night" get this app.
DON'T: Dye your hair blonde
This isn't necessarily gluten related, but it is a good reminder.
DO: Get a haircut
Don't be drastic about it, just use it as an excuse to get a kick-ass head massage.
DON'T: Make out with the hot rando at the bar
This might be difficult, especially if you're feeling exceptionally rebound-y, but what's he drinking? What has he been drinking?
I really wish that boys didn't like beer, but I also really wish that Chipotle would deliver. Some things in life just won't happen. If you're going to go for the mystery man make out, be fully committed - no complaining tomorrow when you're couch-bound.
DO: Make out with the hot rando at the bar after hearing about how he's sticking with vodka Red Bulls tonight since he's on this new no-carb diet and it's so hard because he really likes bread
Welcome back, single lady. We missed you.